Update
Taking a break from my overtime. I was listening to some soothing music in the back as I manufactured units and it has calmed me a bit. I'm still a bit upset, but that of mixed emotions now. I'm upset at the other person as well as myself. Mainly at myself cause here I am, trying to be all sneaky and hiding stuff when I should be the honest one. I've lost trust from this person and I'm trying to gain it back, but I'm only making more mistakes. Everyone use to say I was different from other guys, but... inside, I knew it wasn't true. The nice guy I was was merely an image, a persona that I created to hide the truth that I was. To hide from the shame of who I was. But when I said things such as "I just want you to be happy," I meant it. Sadly, though I remembered the words, I still screwed things up and I failed to keep such words. Another reason why I'm scum. I'm realizing that I'm only rambling now, but anyhow...

Not knowing what the person is thinking, without the person telling you of any issues, it's hard to know if I am at right or wrong here. This whole fiasco to me could be nothing but I'm making it something. Or maybe it is something but it's only being hidden underneath. To just make them happy? Deep down inside, I probably don't have a second chance. ... and damn, do I have issues. ^^

No Such Thing as Honesty or Trust
Why is it that whatever I do to make things right, it always backfires in my face? Or that when I try to play the good guy, I'm still ending up the bad guy? Anyhow, I'm really pissed right now cause the thing that I worked for that was complained about so much was just thrown out the window as that person is saying, "Fuck you! It only applies to me." Honesty and trust is nothing that exists anymore. It is as though we are at a silent battle as we exchange words with others to only hear it at the end of the grapevine. But who is at fault here? I'm assuming me because I'm the bad guy. Cause I'm male. ... I'm very pissed off. Gah, I hate being male during these times. Why couldn't there be an asexual/neutral sex? "Mefale..." .. or something. Grr... pissed at self and the other. I guess I should just clean up my act then I wouldn't have to be angry or hiding anything. Cause, I'm suppose to be the innocent one, right? Well, I better stop here. I'll probably be going in circles. I don't think I'll be doing a real entry for Wednesday.

Ugh... I feel like scum of the universe. -_-

Optional
Well, missed a day, but it wasn't really all eventful. Roo needed rest so she slept in the bed while I spent a good few hours playing SuKOden III.

Anyhow, the title of today's entry is as it says: Optional. Why? Well, I just feel like ranting tonight and it's about some personal things I just want to get off my chest. We all know that just talking about something normally makes one feel better than living it on the inside.

Now, this is a warning to all of you that read my diary (All 4 of you. ^^), I'm gonna be ranting about things that you probably don't want to know, so if you know me and don't want to KNOW me like that, I advise you skip today's entry. You have been warned. Keep scrolling if you're just twisted and curious or whatever.

Okay, if you come this far down, then you acknowledge that you have read the above warning. If you have not, I advise you do so. If you do not want to listen to me, then don't say I didn't warn you, cause I am!

So, what's bother a fellow like me this time that's so personal? Raging hormones, my friends. That's right! A males best friend. ... ... Please note, if I was speaking to you, that was sarcasm coming from my mouth. Now I know most of you will say that it's only natural, but then to go behind ones back and speak bad of the person. Well, so I have heard. Yes, I know I'm a male pig. I'll admit it, though I have tried my best to fight it and hide the truth. I'll do things and feel ashamed of it afterwards. WHY NOT BEFORE, I don't know... -_-

So, as of late my hormones have been going nuts and have done things I shouldn't have or have thoughts that I shouldn't. It's natural, right? More sarcasm, thank you. ^^ So, what's the answer? Oh, I've just need to get laid is the typical answer. Or I could just take out all this sexual tension with a one handed exercise, but no. That's not what I want to do. I just seriously want it to go away. Sure, sex would be a nice answer, but I have a weird sense of morals. ... Though I foolishly threw them out the window once because I allowed my curiousity to take over and nearly kill what I stood for. I was always called "different from other guys." ... Sadly, I was just an image on the outside, hiding the truth within. I admit to having knowledge in many things that I shouldn't since I am supposedly innocent.

Anyhow, the more I go one with this life of mine, I'm nothing more than your typical male, who, like most males, want to get laid. I don't understand why my hormones are all insane now. I am assuming it is only a phase. Well, I should say I'm hoping it's all a phase. Aye, what has happened to my once pure mind?

Well, I know my rant just jumped around here and there with this one subject, but either way, I just wanted to get it out of my system. If you're one of my friends and did read this, well, I guess this will change things on the inside of you. Though, I know a few who have already changed because of my past crimes.

I think way too much...

Jon

0 mints on my pillow.