Song: Metallica - Don't Tread on Me

Update: Um... More Bad Stuff

Last night, I had trouble with my car engine dying on me and I thought it was just some way of God saying that don't be a coward and run away from your problems. But, turns out it's far worse than I thought. The car trouble happened again this morning. So, I called me pop and he came over, ran a few tests (He use to be a mechanic and... drag racer. ^^; No one could beat him in his hometown, but I should talk about that later.) and came to the conclusion that it was probably a block plug from carbon residue. He gave me a few tips as to what to do but said that I'm getting close to not having much a choice and that I'm gonna have to buy a new car, even if it is used. He said I basically have about 6 months left on the vehicle. So, yeah... and I still need to get my teeth finished. Aye... I guess it's coming down to where I'm gonna have to do what I didn't want to do and that's take a loan from a bank or something. Blarg. But, I guess.. I can finally get a car that I like, no? ^^;

Let me state another thing. I am NEVER going back to Mister... -something-a-rather.. One of those tune-up places owned by Chervon. Somehow they keep fucking up my car. Last time, an oil cap was missing and this time, the lid to the air filter was put on upside-down. WTF!?? I swear they are trying to sabotage my car on purpose that way, Mr. Dumb Customer (i.e. Me and everyone else that knows nothing about cars) can be charged lots of money the next time he comes in. Blarggit...

And thank you Roo and Hisako for your comments. Mmm.. guess I'll need to explain my way of thinking. Yeah Hisako, Roo does give good advice, though she does have to smack me upside the head with a trout to get the point across. My head is like a rock. ^^ And I'm stubborn beyond belief. And Hisako, I've down a lot of stupid things because of my male pig side, so that's why I have a hard time believing that I'm not a creep. ^^; I've screwed up way too much.

And Roo, I feel like stripping you of that title and suspending you for while. Give all the little people a chance! Oh, wait... You can't be suspended. You're too valuable to the board... or something. Now go get injured and keep the title for another year! =p

Let me just state that this is not one of those cheerful entries for today. So, I mean, if you don't want to hear my ramblings, it's probably best to just come back tomorrow. My apologies to you folks for my depression being posted before you. Just keep scrolling to the bottom for comment replies.

I allowed it to happen once again. I allowed my emotions to take control of myself again because of an incident that occurred this afternoon. I blew up at the thought, being filled with jealousy and anger. It was completely irrational. I spent the rest of the afternoon in bed, my thoughts running a mile a minute, realizing that I have no one to blame but myself. I always feel, and most of the time, know that it's always my fault. What I didn't want was the problem to be in front of me which happened... and when this occurs, I become a coward and can't face the issue. So, I have been spending this evening in the bedroom, away from the others. Roo was concerned when I told her in my trembling voice that I was angry with myself.... And I am.... But, I honestly didn't deserver her pity. I don't deserve anyone's pity when these issues occur. I'm only causing this on myself. I finally thought I had my emotions under controlled... but it appears I was wrong after today. Here I am, almost 22 years old and I'm acting like some kind of baby... Yeesh. Here I have been working to make my body stronger and...yet,  my emotions are still the weakest part of me. ::sigh::

My complaints are always my problem... I allow things to happen. I allow myself to be trampled on for the well-being of others. I feel I have sacrificed things in devotion to others. Why do I do it? Am I good natured? ... I suppose so... but, ... This can't be completely true with the incidents that have happened between me and my roommate. I try so hard to make things good and... in the end, I always fail somewhere. So, why do I do it? What is it I seek? Is this the proper upbringing of my parents? Is it my strive to be different from others? I suppose I'm seeking something of that of which is only mere fantasy. And at the same time, I know I'm afraid of losing what little I have around me. 

Though I have gotten along with my older bro, I have to admit that I have always been jealous of him. He's one of those types that everyone loves and can get along with. He's very intelligent and very laid back. Nothing ever problems him. I'm also envious of his good skin and hair. Meanwhile, I struggled in school, have the temper of my father and have stressed myself day after day. And... well, my appearance only hassled me with the constant questions of "Why are you always mad" or "Are you sad" from fellow students. Basically, I'm no prize in the beauty department. At least I never had to live in his shadow, though... yet... I was still jealous no matter what.

I really don't know where I'm going.... I am now just rambling mindlessly. I know I have issues. I know I have problems that I need to have solved. I have snapped twice and broken down being compared to the one I hate most, my oldest brother and my parents have asked me if I wanted to see a psychiatrist. When visiting a doctor about my heart condition, he recommended some anti-depressant drugs... I have broken down several times in front of my roommate succumbing to my emotions and feelings.

Oh gah.... what's happened to me? I never cared. I use to laugh at such emotions, living a life of no concern. I suppose this is reality? This is a life of a grown up? Again... I'll need time to feel better... and somewhere down the line, the cycle shall repeat once again.

My body is very tired... I'm having a hard time alone just moving my legs and arms... My heart throughout this evening has been pumping like crazy, afraid of facing the issue and facing Roo when she got home. My trembling body, too has not helped. But, I have to apologize to her first. I'm always apologizing to her...

f r e s h   b r e a t h

Champion Triple R

VERSUS Challenger Hisako

It's always your time, Roo. You basically own the board here.

Yeah, it was an alright evening, Hisako. It's going against all the big name stars in that game that sucks. The programmers made them all god-like. I'm not sure what'll happen to my teeth, but I'm taking much better care of them. ^_^ Yeah, guys are real creeps. Sadly, I'm one of them creeps.

Uh, Ikari, guys are creeps. That's all I was trying to say. ^^ You're not helping. =p

Thanks, Sammy. Yeah... Yuiko I knew was gonna be trouble. But then again, all female drawings of mine give me trouble. ^^

4 mints on my pillow.